"Life on the Trail"

First of all, I'd like to say that horses freak me out.  They look like big creepy monsters, and they smell weird.  Plus I think they want to kick me.  And they look at you with those creepy, soulless eyes as their lower lip just sort of hangs there.  So when David asked me to play a part in his new movie "Return of the Cheyenne Kid," I had to think about it.  On the plus side, I'd get to see David and steal things out of his car.  On the minus side were the aforementioned horses.  I thought about it, and in the end, the temptation of Morrissey CDs and David's used Kleenex tipped the scales.  I accepted the part.  Then I asked what it was.

 

I was to play a bartender with an evil agenda.  I said that sounded great, since I would be playing a goofy villain, which meant I didn't have to agonize about playing something difficult.  Goofy evil guy is what I call "acting mode one." 

 

So David gave me perfect, detailed directions to the place, and needless to say I got lost.  I'm well-known as being the guy you don't want to have to follow driving somewhere, because my sense of direction is as sharp as a retarded rat.  After driving around mindlessly for awhile, I managed to stumble upon the location.  Shooting was to take place on a large farm near Charlottesville.  David was the only person I really knew, and I met the cast and crew.  A good bunch of folks. 

 

I got into my outfit, complete with the classic Western string tie, which in this case was a shoelace.  But I got to wear those funny little garder belts on my arms. 

 

Mitch Toney, the writer/producer, had built a great bar set, and I took my place.  Basically, I just stood in the background for the first scene.  Because this scene didn't stroke my ego, I will now skip talking about it.  Plus I wasn't paying attention.

 

My next scene was me menacing a little girl, and then getting hit in the face with a big log swung from rope.  The great part about this scene is I got to use one of those little tiny girly derringers, which are super cool.  The bad part is I didn't get to shoot anyone.  This was the disappointing part about acting in this Western...where's the killing?   I want to be shooting people's heads off, and then get my glorious villain's demise where I'm standing on a building and I can't come within a mile of shooting the hero, and he draws his gun and shoots me, and I hurl myself over the egde to the ground below!  But this is a kid's show, so I didn't get to kill anyone.  Or even cut off any fingers. 

 

My last scene is where I am menaced by the show's heroes, played by John Powell and Bob Wallace.  These are two great guys, and both look the part of real gunslingers.  There was a knife on set, so we included my knife-throwing trick.  Which basically consists of me throwing a knife and making it stick into something.  Which I guess isn't really a trick. 

 

Anyway, I get beat up like a punk and tied up, and I spill all of my evil info to Bob and John.  John kept apologizing because for him to really be in character, he was roughing me up a bit.  But I said it was cool...I had to act manly in front of these guys, and not show myself as the city whiny boy that I am.  And afterward, I cried as a nursed my bruises, and took it out on David by pushing him in a pricker bush.

 

And then I was finished shooting, and I drove into the sunset in my white Dodge Neon, whistling a tune and laughing at the poor sucker horses that missed their chance to eat me.

 

-Eric